So, you’ve recognized you’ve gone through spiritual abuse, did what you could to stop it, did what you could to alter your Spirituality, but, Spirituality has become triggering. Every time you hear a sheikh screaming in the microphone about hell, you feel it. Every time you want to pray, you sit wondering if your prayer was enough. Every time you read the Quran, you remember the spiritual abuse you endured. Every time you do something for God, you wonder if you are doing it because of the spiritual abuse or for your sake. And so, being close to God through practice gets harder, and you may start avoiding it. But then you’re left with the shame of the spiritual abuse and are unsure of what to do. What do you do when the thing you desire is surrounded by the thorns of abuse?
Leave it. The thorns of abuse are not simply around the thing you desire, they are in it. The spiritual abuse will be found in every corner of your ideal relationship with God- because your ideal relationship with God was informed by the abuser. Think of untangling a wet mess of yarn- it is hard to almost impossible. It is time to start fresh. Start with understanding what it is you believe in.
Do you believe in God? Do you believe that you were created, that when you die, you will go back to God? Why or why not? What is the purpose of religion or Spirituality for you? These are big questions, and they can be scary. But, think of every prophet and how they had a similar journey. Whether it was with Prophet Abraham wondering if God was the moon or the sun and rejecting both as they weren’t ever-present, Or if it was Prophet Musa’s struggles even though he had spoken to God. The prophets had their own journey’s in wondering about God before they were fully in their prophethood. Who are we then to not have go through these journeys of discovering God?
The verses of the Quran are filled with ones that encourage thinking, questioning, wondering. And it puts down worshippers who worship because it was their father’s religion without asking or wondering. Just because we are Muslim doesn’t mean we can’t also fall into the group of people who follow a religion simply because we were born into it.
Asking questions is not an issue- are we thinking critically through these questions? Are we thinking critically through the answers? Are we giving answers we want to hear? If so, more exploration needs to be done. Giving answers we want to hear is perfectly okay, but we need to understand why for our continued healing.
Now you’ve made the choice and decided what you believed in. How would you like to practice it? Look at the basic tenants of all the religions. Which one do you choose if you choose one? They are all very similar but have very important differences that are often informed by history and past rulers.
Now- choose several religious leaders. Be diverse in your choosing. Remember- religious leaders are human too. They make mistakes too. They are also taught in very particular ways that affect the way they preach. A preacher who has children and was raised in a family environment will preach differently than one who wasn’t. A male preacher who is always only surrounded by men won’t be able to truly understand how to support women as he would never be informed of their struggles. A preacher in Saudia Arabia will preach differently than one in the U.S. Choose the preacher that could best understand your struggles and will support you best in your Spirituality.
Your relationship with your Spirituality, with God, must be informed by you. Religion/spirituality takes large parts of who we are, so how do we grow up using something to inform every part of us without understanding it? Without understanding its connection to us? Why did we choose it? Be intentional as you learn and reclaim your Spirituality. Spirituality is for you; make sure it feels good and is good.
